What Not To Do In Washington DC

You know what feels so good about being home after a trip….the fact that you can get where you need to be without having to consult a map or take a Metro (at least if you live in Edmond) or that if you get yelled at it’s usually for something you deserve because you should have known better. I’m writing a travel guide book about what not to do in Washington DC.

Here are just a few things I learned not to do in Washington DC.

Stripe Down for Security:
Most buildings you enter in DC you have to go through security in some form or fashion. Apparently you don’t have to stripe down completely to enter these building. When 25 of us were trying to enter the building to see Senator Coburn we were all following the person in front of us and imitating what they were doing and I guess the first person through thought it was necessary to remove pretty much everything but their shirt and shorts. So we all removed everything. The guard was pretty patient until someone decided it was necessary to send the piece of paper they were holding through the X-ray machine. He cracked and in strictest Security Guard voice said, “People, people, people, you don’t have to send paper through the X-ray machine.” I think we were all so freaked out thinking that if the machine went off for any reason it would mean a strip search. I see nothing wrong with being overly cautious if it saves me from being stripped searched.

Don't Get Lost on the Metro:
Have you ever been on a Red Line looking for a Yellow Line and all you could find was a Blue Line and an Orange Line. EXACTLY! That is how I felt when I got so stinking lost in the Metro tunnels of DC. Now I’m a seasoned traveler but seriously folks tunnels are confusing anyway and then you throw trains in them it makes them that much harder. I got so lost that I finally found a metro worker and asked her where the heck I was. Did I mention that I had my large heavy suitcase with me? EXACTLY! She was patient with me until I tried talking over her about how lost I was and then she said this to me….”Now you are going to be quiet and I am going to tell you where you are.” I said “All I need isssssssssssss.” Metro worker said “I said you are going to be quiet and I am going to tell you where you are.” So I shut up. Then she asked me if I even knew how to read a map. Ouch! Like I didn’t already feel stupid enough. I can read a map but when you have no idea where the heck you are and you’re 30 minutes late and you have luggage it makes it that much harder. Here is what she told me. You are here and you need to take either a orange line to here and then switch to a yellow line to here or you could take this blue train to here, switch to a red which takes you here and then catch a yellow which takes you here. EXACTLY!

It's Easier to Not Take Your Camera to Museums:
Do you know what happens to me when I get tired and people are mean to me. I cry. That’s right. I CRY! The guard at the National Museum of Art found that out and I don’t think he was sorry one bit. By the time we reached the National Art Museum I had already been yelled at by a guard outside the White House, which wasn’t my fault and at The National Archives, which was totally my fault. The night before we went to the archives my uncle and I spent time working with my digital camera figuring out how to turn the flash on and off so that when I was at the Archives I could take pictures. What we failed to take into account is that after a certain amount of time my camera goes to sleep and defaults back to original settings. So the first thing I did was walk into the National Archives and snap a picture WITH flash. Now, I have to mention here that I wasn’t anywhere near the Constitution or the Declaration or anything just in the building waiting to enter and view the documents that shaped our nation. They were on me like butter on bread. They shouted at me to put my camera away and they kept shouting at me. I kept apologizing but it didn’t do any good. I was so nervous after that that I kept making Sandi take pictures into my backpack so I could make sure it wouldn’t flash. It was so embarrassing. Everyone was staring at me like what kind of idiot doesn’t know they can’t use a flash. I got past that humiliation and then the Art Museum happened. I made sure I knew the rules for flash photography before we even looked at one painting. Flash photography was OK but what they failed to mention is that they don’t like you to get close to the paintings. Sandi and I were looking at a Renoir and she couldn’t see something so I had my finger 2 inches from the painting pointing it out to her. I found out the hard way that 2 inches is too close. You would think after the Archives that I would been prepared for this, but I wasn’t, plus he was really, really mean. So I did what any person who had been yelled at and publicly humiliated all day would do. I cried.

Luckily I made it through the Air and Space museum without incident but not after treating myself to a $4.00 chocolate chip cookie and a diet coke. Next time I will just buy postcards of everything!