Tattooing 101

Today was shot day. This usually means that I get my shots and then I get to read my book for 20 minutes. Today instead of getting to read, I learned all about tattooing from a guy named Dennis who I must admit does not look like the tattooing kind of guy. He and the nurse started discussing tattoos and she showed him the tattoo she just had done on her neck. Now I know you all are wondering what kind of "doctor" I am going to but I can assure you it is legit. I was all excited because I was able to contribute to the conversation not because I have a tattoo (can you say big baby) but because I had just watched a show on the Discovery Channel about people who are trying to turn themselves into animals by getting body tattoos and implanting whiskers and slitting their tongues and other crazy stuff like that. It was disgusting and looked excruciatingly painful. So here is what I learned today from Dennis.

TATTOOING 101 - BY DENNIS

1. There is an underground tattooing ring in Oklahoma City. When I said "isn't tattooing illegal in OK" he told me that he knows "creditable" guys that have full tattooing shops set up in their basements. OH! I feel better now knowing they are "creditable" guys.

2. Alcohol + Tattoo = Crappy Tattoo.- He told me that tattoo artists will not give tattoos to people who have been drinking alcohol. I told him that I did not believe this but he again stated that if you have a "creditable" artist they will not do it because a.) they know the people will probably regret it the next day. b.) alcohol thins out the blood and it can actually push the ink back out and make your tattoo look like crap (his exact words). So anyone thinking about getting a tattoo...no alcohol. We can't have you walking around with a crappy tattoo.

3. No Pain Pills - He also told me that "creditable" artist will not give tattoos to anyone who took pain pills even motrin or tylenol. He said that it actually intensifies the pain. My statement to him was "so you are sticking a hot needle with ink on it into your tender flesh over and over again until it makes a picture. Tell me how the pain can be anymore intense" He says "I dunno know. It just does" Okay, I will just have to take your word for it.

4. Design Determines the Time Frame- Dennis has custom designed the tattoo he is getting later that day. He and his artist have determined that it will take a total of 8 hours to complete. Dennis informs me that he will have to break this down into segments because anyone who knows anything about tattooing knows you can't endure tattooing for 8 hours straight. Plus, if you are doing this in someone's basement you can't really plan a sleep over or take a day off work right and no one wants a sleep deprived tattoo artist. You might get another crappy tattoo without the numbing effects of the alcohol.

5. It's All About Scheduling-apparently planning for a tattoo takes some planning ahead. Dennis looks at his watch and informs me that he is going to have to hoof it to his eye appointment immediately following his shot. He said he was trying to get all this "medical stuff" out of the way so he could concentrate on getting his tattoo later that night. Sure Dennis, by all means get your eyesight checked. Wouldn't want you to through all this and not be able to see it clearly.

You would think after completing my course on tattooing I would be ready to find the first undergroud tattoo parlor on my way to the office, but the ne thing Dennis didn't tell me was how to locate a secret tattoo parlor or what the secret code was to enter a secret tattoo parlor. I guess I will just have to ask him next week.